22nd January, 2016. There I was, sitting in a doctor's surgery, having arrived alongside my Mother minutes before closing time. She'd managed to grab an appointment at the last second, after explaining in no uncertain terms over the phone to the stereo-typically snobby receptionist the desperate terms on which her request was built upon. Those terms, in short, were as followed: her Son had been missing for 24 hours, had not made contact with his large circle of friends or family in typical fashion and he's not been to work, according to his boss, since before Christmas. Having arrived home safe, the doctor agreed to see me immediately.
Roughly half an hour later, I'd left the surgery with a doctor's note.
"Anxiety & Depression" was the official medical diagnosis. I'd tried to kill myself twice. Once standing on the edge of a balcony 14 floors in the air off of the Old Kent Road and another time slitting my wrists. I'd been suffering with panic attacks for at least six months. There were no obvious triggers for them - at times they would appear whilst sitting in the pub with the friends I'd practically call family - the most embarrassing one occurring whilst sitting there amongst family watching Titanic of all things. After my diagnosis and my consequential time off of work, there was one thing and one thing only that got me out of bed in the morning. It wasn't my medication. It wasn't the "everything's going to be ok eventually" mentality - it was music.
So in a way which you as readers and listeners may find slightly more depressing, I've decided to compile some of the tunes that I genuinely believe saved (and changed) my life on to a YouTube playlist. I'll update it as and when I decide to write an accompanying post - I'm not in the writing game for money, plaudits, friends or anything other than a sense of self-satisfaction to be honest. When lending words to proper outlets my sole aim is to create something not educational, but informative at the very least, whilst interjecting occasionally with the odd opinion where appropriate, trying my utmost best to better whatever I'd written last time around. Therefore I ask you forgive the below words, they appear like random paragraphs of rambling, but honestly they mean something.
I'll start proceedings with The Kinks and a live version of 'I'm Not Like Everybody Else' from their 1994 album 'To The Bone'. Most famously this song was featured in The Sopranos (non-coincidentally my favourite ever television program) over the end credits of 'Cold Cuts', an episode that primarily focuses on Tony Soprano's inside depression being an inversion of rage and anger that he holds for the outside world for reasons unknown - a theme that I've discussed with my own therapist on numerous occasions.
Lyrically the song plays with the idea of non-conformation but for me, music is open to interpretation on so many levels: there's an undertone to one verse that follows the sort of narrative in my head when explaining mental health to someone who didn't know that at one point, mine was non-existent.
But darling, you know that I love you true
Do anything that you want me to
Confess all my sins like you want me to
There's one thing I will say to you
I'm not like everybody else...
That final line coupled with the brief but eternally satisfying solo in the middle made sure this song found a place deep within me. Regardless of your personal philosophy on life, it cannot be argued that somewhere deep down in all of us is a need to be wanted. To some extent, some individuals more so than others, we actively seek conformity in our everyday lives - social media platforms like Twitter and Instagram's primary functions are to get us interacting via heart-shaped approval systems, but for someone with anxiety, the lack of hearts is a bullet to the brain. This song is the non-conformity anthem of sorts: a fuck you to those who seek so desperately to not get in where they fit in but push in where they want to fit in.
If you're worried about your own mental health, I urge you to desperately seek help. Please call The Samaritans FOR FREE on 116 123 or visit their website here or please just talk to somebody. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Roughly half an hour later, I'd left the surgery with a doctor's note.
"Anxiety & Depression" was the official medical diagnosis. I'd tried to kill myself twice. Once standing on the edge of a balcony 14 floors in the air off of the Old Kent Road and another time slitting my wrists. I'd been suffering with panic attacks for at least six months. There were no obvious triggers for them - at times they would appear whilst sitting in the pub with the friends I'd practically call family - the most embarrassing one occurring whilst sitting there amongst family watching Titanic of all things. After my diagnosis and my consequential time off of work, there was one thing and one thing only that got me out of bed in the morning. It wasn't my medication. It wasn't the "everything's going to be ok eventually" mentality - it was music.
So in a way which you as readers and listeners may find slightly more depressing, I've decided to compile some of the tunes that I genuinely believe saved (and changed) my life on to a YouTube playlist. I'll update it as and when I decide to write an accompanying post - I'm not in the writing game for money, plaudits, friends or anything other than a sense of self-satisfaction to be honest. When lending words to proper outlets my sole aim is to create something not educational, but informative at the very least, whilst interjecting occasionally with the odd opinion where appropriate, trying my utmost best to better whatever I'd written last time around. Therefore I ask you forgive the below words, they appear like random paragraphs of rambling, but honestly they mean something.
I'll start proceedings with The Kinks and a live version of 'I'm Not Like Everybody Else' from their 1994 album 'To The Bone'. Most famously this song was featured in The Sopranos (non-coincidentally my favourite ever television program) over the end credits of 'Cold Cuts', an episode that primarily focuses on Tony Soprano's inside depression being an inversion of rage and anger that he holds for the outside world for reasons unknown - a theme that I've discussed with my own therapist on numerous occasions.
Lyrically the song plays with the idea of non-conformation but for me, music is open to interpretation on so many levels: there's an undertone to one verse that follows the sort of narrative in my head when explaining mental health to someone who didn't know that at one point, mine was non-existent.
But darling, you know that I love you true
Do anything that you want me to
Confess all my sins like you want me to
There's one thing I will say to you
I'm not like everybody else...
That final line coupled with the brief but eternally satisfying solo in the middle made sure this song found a place deep within me. Regardless of your personal philosophy on life, it cannot be argued that somewhere deep down in all of us is a need to be wanted. To some extent, some individuals more so than others, we actively seek conformity in our everyday lives - social media platforms like Twitter and Instagram's primary functions are to get us interacting via heart-shaped approval systems, but for someone with anxiety, the lack of hearts is a bullet to the brain. This song is the non-conformity anthem of sorts: a fuck you to those who seek so desperately to not get in where they fit in but push in where they want to fit in.
If you're worried about your own mental health, I urge you to desperately seek help. Please call The Samaritans FOR FREE on 116 123 or visit their website here or please just talk to somebody. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
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